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Fell in love with a girl...

I know I haven't been here in a long while...i've been busy and more then a little disgruntled recently. But i'm going to be posting more soon, since it seems that privacy is quickly dwindling around these parts.
No one should keep paper diaries unless they are living alone. Too many prying eyes. And all I want is to be left alone!
Ahh Angst and joy!
Since you are all painfully out-of-date as of late about my life, here goes nothing:
I've got a crush on a girl-actually two girls- one in my art class and another in my fourth hour. I've Tricks and S.O.S. Tricks is this golden-child artsy girl. I.E. Art teachers drool over her and so do I ;). She can paint, draw, her photographs are amazing! She's got great fashion sense, she seems laid-back and soft-spoken. But alas! She has a boyfriend! Like Tricks, S.O.S is an amazing artist too but we don't have art classes together just fourth hour. She's wicked smart, she has something ridiclous like a 3.7 GPA or something. She's a cute dressor too. She could model to pay for school, she's a sweet person with a husky voice.
Sometimes I wish I was more charming and suave but either way I don't think either one of them is bi/les. Ah, cruel fate. Ironically, we're reading Hamlet in AP english whoch has this "unrequited love" undertone between Ophelia and Hamlet. Pfff! Ophie has nothing on me! I could write a story about unrequited love that would knock ol' Billy out of the water. I'm not a real fan of Shakesphere, I don't get what was so special about him. But I digress.
OH and as if all this wasn't enough, Yesterday, my best friend-whom I call my other half- told me she lost her virginity and has a girlfriend (yes,my other half is also a girl). IS EVERYONE GETTING LAID BUT ME?? Hmmm. It seems like i'll NEVER lose it. Grrr (again).
Prehaps it's my secrect wanting to be "in" with the artistic kids.Art is important to me so it suprises me none that I'm into artsy girls/guys.I feel stupid. Very, very stupid. I can't wait until I leave this place and move to Chicago. Prehaps I'll FINALLY be able to lose it. I hope I can do alot of things in Chicago that I can't do here-like get laid. But there's still somethings I have to do here before I get out of here.
NUMERO UNO? L O S E W E I G H T! GRRR it's so frustrating. I'd kill to have Kate Mosses Physique.
Well nothing's going to change without me changing...God it sucks being a fat kid

~Yours in lust and Blubber, Seventeen Kisses
Ahhh! Youtube! I Love it!

First: A hamster's desperate struggle

2nd: You'll never look at sports the same way again!

3rd: And that Jasper is more or less the way it is in the hood!
Yes, As you may have figured out I am watching Phantom of the Opera, the Emmy Rossum version (in case you're wondering).

Well, so far 2007 has started off with a BANG! Haven't been under 151 lbs for more then a few hours yet. Oh, Complusive Over Eating is the worst.

I hate being fat and pimply and a dwarf. One day, I want to be really beautiful like this model I just found on Supermodels. nl named Oksana Tkachuk (http://supermodels.nl/oksanatkachuk/pictures/1). I love models-so beautiful and full of grace. I really like Karen Elson, she reminds me of a red-haired Jean Harlow, prehaps it is the shaved eyebrows? (http://supermodels.nl/karenelson/pictures/1)

But Enough model talk. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT ME?????????? It seems like will never EVER beat this COED! All I want to do is eat and eat and all I think about is eating. I'll never achieve my goal weight. What I wouldn't give to be taller and skinner, to have some magical pill to correct all this. I'm cursed, that's what I am.

So let's give it up for the New Year

Goodbye 2006,
Good riddance to ya.
Hello 2007,
We expect better from you.
So let's give it up for the New Year.
We're finally going to lose weight, quit smoking, organize our lives, get out of debt, find the "one" and spend more time with our families.
We look ahead and erase all the bad yesterdays.
A whole new year, a whole new us!
We're going to win the gold. Get that pie in the sky.Belive we can fly.
And in 2008,
to lose weight, quit smoking, organize our lives, get out of debt, find the "one" and spend more time with our families.

~happy new year, Everyone~

I guess, If I must, then I will

Happy Holidays, all you lucky people.

Yes, I know I've said I hate Christmas and this is true to a point. I guess I hate an ASPECT of christmas I should say, I hate the spoiled rotten outer layer of the holiday season.
The simplest nature of it is what I like- Cookies, Christmas specials, carols, lights, Soy egg nog.
I wish there was a way to back to that intrinsic goodness of Christmas. I wish the Charles Dicken's 'A Christmas Carol' Christmas still exsisted. Isn't it hedious that we have to dig around for that? Digusting.
But anyway....Happy Holidays. Let your season be marry and unspoiled.
I don't miss God but I sure do miss Santa Claus.

An especially Happy Hoildays to the Colleges that will soon recieve my appilications:
Columbia College Chicago
U. Minn, Twin Cities

Be Dolls, why don't cha?

And as for Michigan? Well....,
Even a redneck state deserve a happy holiday.

If you're going to San Fransico...

It's snowing here, albiet lightly but still. one of the downsides of losing weight is that during the winter you're never warm! Did I mention before that I hate Christmas and Thanksgiving? Well, I do. More time that I don't want to spend with Andre. Hooray ( major sarcasm). I should be doing my homework now but i wish my insides weren't so cold! Yeah, the heat's on and I am under TWO layers of blankets, but the sight of those little white flakes makes me freeze. I should get up and close the blinds, not like any light's coimg in anyway.

oodles, Seventeen Kisses
I've come to the conclusion that marriage is not for me. I'm criticzing marriage for others, My parents are married (maybe even happily). So you would think I believe in the institution. But I don't, I don't understand why as children, specifically Girls (even in modern day america) are expected/encouraged to think up elborate wedding fantasies with the perfect groom to match as an expectation in life. Then they spend the rest of their lives hunting for that man. It's like that song in "fiddler on the roof"; "matchmaker, matchmaker!".There are women who consider themselves spinsters at 30. It's just so abusrd, this obsession with finding the "one". But at the same time 60% of americans get divorced (yes, it's gone up), many of these the parents of those daydreaming young girls.
Why is marriage a "special" anyway? it's less paperwork to breakup with a boyfriend then an husband. I actually think that it is ironic that the ones in america who have the most successful realtionships are the gays! I guess it's ironic because we in the heterosexual community have had the message "Gays can't marry because marriage is a sacred bond between a woman and a man, blah, blah, blah, going to hell, bla, blah, blah". Well the truth is that it's not sacred at all. Not in the country that watches "Who wants to marry a millionare?", "The Bachlor" and "Joe Millionaire". Oh, and that whole 60% thing.
Contrary to what we've been told bybpresident Bush and that idiot blonde cohost, Elisabeth from "the view" -who I suppose thinks that just because she has achieved the "american" dream of being a vapid mother married to football player, that we should all aspire to that (but I digress greatly). Gays have the right idea. Life partner. Sure gay people argue, fight and breakup like heteros do but they key here is because (largely because they can't) aren't in a stampede to get to the alter they can take it easy and actually get to know their partners rather then worrying about when the ring's coming.
As for children, I would still want to be a mother. I think moms and dads have the most important job in the world. But what do rings have to do with parenthood? There are children who have married parents and yet are utterly neglected or abused or subjected to their parent's loveless marriages/divorces. Not that everyone is like that. At one time my parent's had a loving marriage. Maybe for legal reasons, i'd get a civil union. But still the point is isn't it better to have love then rings? What good is aring that lasts forever if the love that ring is supposed to represent dissapers?
I can't emphasize enough that not all people get divorced. There is that 40%. Just because I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean I don't believe in love. Actually, it's because I believe in love I don't believe in marriage. I belive in a love free of restraints and institutions. I don't believe that Marriage isn't the end-all-be-all of love. There are people who make it work without the rings EX: Tom & Katie, Angelina & brad, Gene Simmons. Not that anyone should try to imulate Gene Simmions to closely but still, He is happily (faithfully) unmarried.
in conclusion, the purpose of this little rant is that alot more people would be more happy if they thought of marriage as the exception and not the rule. Get married if you want, I hope all goes well but for god's sake THINK before you do it! But do not misunderstand me; I don't not believe in love. I do very much, in fact. I don't belive that people were meant to be alone even if they don't get married. I believe that while marriage in this country is a between a man and a woman, love is between both hetero and homosexuals. My greatest wish as far as romance would be to be to be a "cindrella spinster"- that is an unmarried but happily in love indidual.

Happy Cinderella Spinsterhood (or prince-charming-spinsterhood for the males) to you all!
Should I bother applying to Columbia, Cornell or Brown?
probably should save my money and time

peace be with you,

you're dying from love and you're bleeding

Yesterday was WLC's Homecoming. My last. God, that feels weird to say, wasn't I like 14 yesterday?
Not really but times flys, before long I'll be accepted by (X) College and that'll be the end of childhood as I know it.
And i'm so excited. I hear people say they dread that day, that they want to stop time or they don't want to grow up. Ridiculous, not only because you can't but because life is wonderful the whole way through. I'm actually looking forward to all of it. Never fear the unknown.
BTW...Central won against Stevenson, 33 to 0! GO VIKINGS! That was the first game I actually paid attention to, Amanda explained Football to me. I kinda get it.



Taking Back Sunday

I'm lying just to keep you here

I'm so happy I could bust and shoot happiness everywhere! The Final year and eveything is going well. I've lost 6 lbs and feel more confident then ever. I'm working on getting my driver's license and it seems like things that bothered me before, don't now. I feel at peace for once.
It's been forever, I know but I'm back, my darlings.
This year in AP English our first book is 'Life of Pi' which if you haven't read you should. It's helped me tons. Maybe it's because I've become very intrested in eastern religion recently.
I've decided to let it all go this year, all fears and worries. I'm applying to like twelve colleges, one of them has to accept me. Whether it be Berkley or Roosevelt, I don't care as long as I get out of this godforsaken state.
Speaking of godforsaken, I'm watching 'The Omen' (the original) which is fuckin' crazy."He rises from the eternal sea, creating armies on either shore, turning man against his brother"?- Freaky ass shit. Almost makes you pro-choice like those that nitwit nazi teen twin duo, Prussian Blue. They make me pro-choice (not that I wasn't before). Did anyone see that story about them on AOL news? That's fucking scary, they look like girls who could go to my school. Can anyone say TWISTED? I usually show love for everyone but not for those who use their talents to harm. As the song goes NAZI PUNKS, FUCK OFF!
Speaking of school, things are going really good I have alot of intresting classes-even the APs. I would never take a class I wasn't intrested in (even if it was easy). My favorite is Contemperary Social Problems with Mr. Sharpe, 1st hr. There's like 13 people in class (severely small in a public school) but it's cool. Sharpe calls it a "glorified current events class". We talk alot about, well, contemporary social problems-hence the name. It goes along with Sociology (which I took last year).
Mr. Sharpe let me borrow this book called 'The Animal
Right's Handbook'. It was published in '90 but it's still really useful. We have to do a book report in that class that's due at the end of the class about a book that deals with sociology stuff (der). Some are novels like 'White Oleander' (which I love!) and some are like sociology books like 'Fast Food nation'. I'm really intrested in alot of the books on the list but you can read one not on the list too. I don't know wheather to read 'Fast Food Nation' or 'Meat market'. I think I want to do a report on both. Supposedly, both are must reads for upcoming animal activists and vegans (like me!).
now that I have bored you severly. Sorry, That I am not as intresting mad/upset as I am happy, get use to it, Doves.

Peace be with you,


I see the world in a swirl of hues...

Yes it's been FOREVER. Almost a whole month and in case your wondering, nothing's changed my outlook on life
(or lack of). I do kind of wish my brother would die in a horrible car accident. Damn siblings.
But I digress,
I have a myspace page now ---> Myspace.com/RedFlamez.
Oh and the "waltz moore" song is on my profile.

This song is my feelings...

i can't eat anything,
without shoving my hands down my throat
and i refuse to meet the world
without smearing on makeup
with my hair blinding my eyes
blinding my eyes

i can't remember
the last time i've seen my own eyes
or the color of my skin
do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the time?

i stretch my self across the world
pushing my limits for your entertainment
and you had the nerve to call out my
weaknesses and drag me through
the dirt

i can't remember
the last time i've seen my own eyes
or the color of my skin
do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the time?

i'm staring in the mirror looking back at the
person i hate

i can't remember
the last time i've seeen my own eyes
or the color of my skin
do you know whaat it's like?

i can't remember
the last time i've seen my own eyes
or the color of my skin
do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the time?
...the color of my skin
do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the...

~Waltz Moore by From First to last~
here's an example:

I think we have an emergency

Hello World!
I'm not doing shit at the moment. I'm watching 'The drug years' on VH1 and really wanting a coke (the drink of course). I've started walking with my friend Amanda and I really do feel an increase in energy. I stay up all night until like 6 and then I get up go walking at 9 and then eat something. It's great but as far as the weight...well, i'm still fat.
OH AND BY THE WAY- I have a MySpace now, redflamz, for all your enjoyment. I posted in it, once. Just because I have a Myspace doesn't mean that I'm giving up my livejournal. I love this journal!

I know it's been WEEKS but I've had sooo much to do. Well, not anymore! It's finally summer! I got out this week, June 8th. I would've posted sooner but I was so lazy. Yes! Finally! I don't know how well I did, GPA wise (I know I got 2 Cs) but for once I don't care! The only bad thing (and I guess it's not that bad) is have 2 summer assignments, 1 for AP English and another for AP Envirmental Science. I decided to take 3 APs and no math for my senior year because I wanted to have a really high GPA on college apps.
But enough about college apps. and school! I went to Best Buy today and bought 4 CDs.
Motion City Soundtrack: Commit This to Memory
AFI: Decemberunderground and The Art of Drowning
Paramore: All we know is falling
All that to the tune of $52. I'm going to get a job soon-ideally someplace without food. Maybe, i'll work at the mall or something.Plus, if I work i'll have money and i won't have to spend as much time with Andre.
Whatever I do, I don't want a whole lot of stress and no working for $5.25 an hour like at the movie thearte! I think the reason i'm not losing weight (and going partially insane) is because of the stress i'm under. Yeah, Yeah I know; I could be worse I could be trying to pay for harvard by busting tables, or have 3 children, no education and no money or husband...blah,blah, blah, whatever and all that bullshit.
...anyway, my friend Amanda and I are going to excercise together everyday starting at 9 am starting monday. She also agreed to help me make a myspace (no that i don't love LJ). She wants to get more tone and fit and I want to get skinner and fit. My new goal weight is 110 not 90, that's 45 pounds away from where I am now. I don't want to look too boney. I also want to get more tone. We plan to walk/run around are respective neighborhoods but she has a car and maybe we can go out to one of the big metroparks. I want to come back senior year a changed person-inside and out.

My love, you smell so................

9 days until summer! I'm so happy i've already taken two of my finals (one yesterday and today). For once, I'm actually kind of optomistic about the future. This meaning, that I feel I have a chance of really getting into UC-Berkeley. Then again I haven't taken my SAT or math finals yet. And once again, I think I bombed a spanish test. hmmm. I hate doing bad in subjects I know I can do well in.

but enough about school, I'm really excited about summer ever since I found out my brother has 3 jobs and won't be able to get under my skin this summer. My friend Amanda and I are planning to excersie with me everyday @ 9 am together. I wish I was as tall as she is (5'9). I want to start taking those vitiman pills the stimulate your growth gland but shhh... don't tell anyone. I started losing weight again (hooray!). I want to get it all off this summer!

oh! And the original reason I deciced to post. I started writing poetry like my teacher suggested. I dunno how good it is but i'm happy to have a hobby.

I hope me and sarah go to warped this year. I just found out that AFI won't be on our date which is really upsetting. I want to see them so bad. Though, I miss Davey's long hair. Since, I've only been to 1 concert (last year's warped) in my entire life there's alot of my favorite bands that i've never seen live. The list of the ones I have seen is really short. Let's see... i've seen A7x, My Chemical Romance, Hawthore heights and Fall out boy (sort of). All at last year's warped. Please, please god I want to go again but not by myself. I really wish more then like one of my friends was into rock b/c then i'd have more people to go to concerts with.

oodles my darling, SeventeenKisses

Burn this city, burn this city tonight...

Well, sportfans, it finally happened. I finally snapped at someone. Luckily, it was only my older brother and not someone I actually feel any real affection for. It's been mounting since the beginning of the school year, actually before then since the tenth grade when I decided I wanted to go to a prestigious university and run, not walk, away from this godforsaken state. It didn't use to be so bad. We use to be the typical well-off suburban family (or something like that) and now? It seems like there's never enough of anything.
As If getting good grades wasn't hard enough, multiply it by money problems, my brother (claims) that the 'rents won't let me to leave the state, that they want to me to got to western or eastern (which I would never go to in a million years) and bizillion other things that may or may not be true (they never told me). Everyday it's some new worry. Grades, money, visiting, ACT, SAT, math (which I suck at), scholorships. My hair is literally falling out. I'm addicted to Princton review's college pages. Sometimes I wish that it would all go away. And it seems like I don't have anything right. It's all I think about, I even think about more then my weight. Just give me a day off!
So today it finally happen with just 13 more days of school left. It's like being in a constant mental car crash. When I got home today in the mail I got an invitation from Rutegers to come visit which i'd love to do. I wanted to talk to the parents when they get home about maybe taking the train there and while there visiting some other schools. I think train fares are lower.
Andre (that's my older brother) was talking (typical lawyer, he never shuts up) in his usual arrogant tone that makes me resent him and hope that one day we'll find out that he's not actually my flesh and blood. what was he saying? Something about the parents not letting me leave (again, NO ONE HAS TOLD ME THIS!) and a whole bunch of other things. Finally just told him to leave me alone, i'm tired of talking about schools, let's talk about basball (mind you, i know nothing about baseball). He just couldn't let it go though. Andre, Like most lawyers, doesn't know anything about gauging emotions. All he sees is ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK! "and she wants to go to top-tier schools?" he asks the walls around him "that's that weak-minded stuff" (again talking to the goddamn walls!). I yelled at him, really yelled at him (really, really,really). I told him he fucked up and to leave me alone.
I want to know sometimes if he's just telling me these awful things because when he was applying to colleges, the parent's didn't have the money (and to tell the truth, he didn't have the grades or atleast by that time he didn't have them anymore) to got to The University of Norh Carolina. Is he right or just jealous? I dunno and to tell the truth my brain is to shot to care anymore.
It's so good to have someplace to get this all out.
Oh my god it feels like it's been so long since I posted... Jeepers! I'm preparing to take my SAT on june 3rd and simultaneously for my finals. I need to do especially well in Advanced Earth Science (AES), Math and Spanish because I only have Cs in those classes (!). The other classes I have As. What's cool is that I get to take three of my finals (government, psychology and AES) early because there are leaving seniors in those classes. The teachers gave us the option of taking it early with them (who take finals on the 23rd, 24th and 25th of may I believe). I'll get more time to study for my other classes and my SAT.I hope I get a 2130 on my SAT.
I love watching Steven's untitled rock show. Sort of the same way, I love reading AP. Music is life! I can't wait for AFI's new CD and them being on Warped. I hope Sarah agrees to go with me or else i'm fucked... Has anyone seen they're video for miss murder? I saw it on MTV in the morning but haven't seen it anywhere else. Not even on Fuse and they're the ones who are usually so up-to-date. SIGH.

oodles, SeventeenKisses
...as we all form one dark flame.
I just got my ACT scores back. And the day was going to well too..I seriously thought today, that maybe all lost of going to Columbia or someother ivy school wasn't lost. Yeah, what was I thinking? I got a freakin' 20! 20! What school am I going to go with that? I couldn't get into Michigan State with that! I have to take it again, no doubt about it! I must do better on my SATs. If only I had amazing talent and ability instead of being so horridly average.
Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard. I mean working hard and getting results is one thing. But busting your butt, just to consistingly failure makes me wonder what the hell am I doing? I sometimes wonder about dropping out of school and moving to Spain and becoming a flattery poet, writing quaint poems for passing tourists and the wealthy with low self-esteem. Easy living in an easy-going country it's attractive.
Today was a half-day at school. I love 1/2 days obviously. I even got home in time to watch the view. Our school has an annual teacher auction every year so alot of my teachers were "bought" I did "work" in 3 of my classes. I had a food party in my spanish class and though I did overeat there, I didn't overeat when I came home. The new Saves The Day album is really good despite only being 35 minutes worth of music. I should buy there other stuff. I found someone to buy my old ipod for $100-a deal as far as i'm concerned. It's amazing how fast the day pasts by. Everytime it ticks me. I always say "Oh i'm going to do X,Y and Z" and I never do or i'll do part of it. I should really take the dog for a walk but I need to study for this huge as spanish test tomorrow (and do my homework), and make notecards for this dumb ass 90 point english project (yippee!*major sarcasm*). Not to mention my SAT. I also wanted to read my book, Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides which-despite being good- has been much neglected. SIGH. I guess I could have done more if I hadn't taken a nap! But hey tommorow's friday. I guess I can study for my SAT and read middlesex over the weekend, unless time fools me again. Someone said I would be good at writing poetry because I speak with it so well. Maybe, I'll give it a try.

P.S. has anyone heard of the Pink SPiders? I think their pretty good if not alittle goofy.
And so the long battle with my weight continues. If I keep this up I'm not going to ever be skinny. 63 lbs is so hard. May is here! Which means the joy of getting out of school but also means that my senoir year is looming nearer.
Yes, I should be excited about that to but that means the dreaded college application is coming too. I guess I would excited about that if I felt like I had good grades or atleast a good ACT score (even though I haven't gotten it back yet), I have yet to take the my SAT too. I signed up for june 3.
I wished I signed up earlier because then i'd have more time to take the subject tests (which is required for all ivy league schools). I'm pretty sure i'm fucked. I don't think i'll get a good night sleep until I get in. HMMMM.
Once again, music proves to be my salvation. I bought the new Taking Back Sunday CD, Louder Now Saturday. DUDE! It freakin' rocks! I love every single track the more I listen to it. What would I do without it? I think I'd off myself by now. Thursday's new CD, a city divided by light comes out T-O-Tomorrow! Of course, I won't get it until saturday again but later is better then never.
I should get a job, be a responsible almost adult and all that bullshit that my mom keeps breathing down my neck about but shit I hate working. Somehow joining the working stiffs means taking one more step towards the cliff i'm going to eventually throw myself off. Then again, I do need money and something to take my mind away from life...*sigh*...Taking Back Sunday are gods, how did I ever live without them?


Oodles, SeventeenKisses

anyone will do tonight...

My Stats (as far as weight)

Real name: Allison
Age: 17
height: 5'3 or 4
current weight: 153
lowest weight: 133 (long time ago)
highest weight: 160 (ewww!)
short term term goal: 120
long term goal: 100 or less

Yeah, I have alot that I want to lose but as they say, the thinner the winner.

Yeah, Taking Back Sunday is on TV! WOO! I love Taking Back Sunday! yeah I know completely random!
I haven't for a few days. This week was a whirlwind! Tests, projects, and, of course, the ever persistant focus on losing weight. I wish I had enough energy to excercise, But when I go home, it's like the only thing I have the will to do is sleep and then try to finish my moutain of homework. There's not much time in an afternoon plus, I prefer to excercise alone without being disturbed. Never enough time, energy or (most importantly) weight loss. *sigh*
I've been thinking about diet pills lately even though I don't have the money to get any but I want to raise my metabloism.
Thursday was really bad because we have this bigass, 90 point project in english class and we went to borders to study, which we did...for awhile. I bought a cd, Sunny Day Real Estate's Diary. I've been meaning to get into some "old school" emo ever since I read that Andy Greenwald book (see archives). I wanted to get the 8th Gossip Girl book but didn't have enough. I only brought $20 because I thought the cafe was open but really it wasn't.
Actually it's a good thing because I don't want to use up all my birthday money. I want to get Taking Back Sunday's new CD...WHICH IS OUT RIGHT NOW! In fact that was what I was origanlly looking for at borders but oh well. And Thursday's new CD comes out next week! SWEET! I'M SO EXCITED!
Speaking of music, I've figured out how to see lyrics on my new ipod! So i'm obessed now. Anyway, I was listening to From First to Last's new CD "Heroine" (i bought it like a week ago)and I was looking at the lyrics for "...And we all have a hell" That song's so dirty! and I didn't even realize it! I'm so going to post it! It's like my favorite song now! yeah, this is a ridiciulosly long post!

I don't want to feel this way forever

Everything's an uphill battle for me. I wish I could be prefect. I think About that sometimes, like if they came up with a machine that could go back to before you were born and fix yourself. I would be pretty and have the perfect rail-thin, kate moss, model body, I'd also be taller (5'7) with the perfect skin, hair and GPA. I would plan it out so that I could get into a really good school (NYU or UC-Berkley) and some sort of talent besides writing really miserable poetry. I wish I could divorce myself.

Currently, i'm starving, my stomach's really rumbling but I refuse to go downstairs and get anything to eat. I've recently decided that I'm going to stop eating after 7. Maybe, i'll burn all the digusting shit I ate today, yesterday and the day before that. I had one good thing to eat today, a plate of mixed vegtables with low-cal ranch, but besides that I had a chocolate-chip muffin and cinnomon poptarts(NOT vegan). I don't even want I to remeber what I ate before that.

I really wanted to be the first in my family to get skinny (evetyone's fat in my family). But Andre (my bro), went on some low-carb diet and when he came home he'd lose like 15-20 lbs. Basically we're doing the oppiside of each other he's going meat-eater and I'm a vegan. Sometimes I hate him, not just for losing weight before me but because he's an arrogant prick! For once I wanted to be better then him...just once. I've always been behind him in everything. I just want to better then him for once. Fuck. If I could i'd leave this bitch and never come back.

Thank God for music (If there is one, which I highly doubt). Life would be so much more worse without it. I'm excited that Taking Back Sunday's new CD is coming out TOMORROW! It seeems unfair that I have to wait until saturday (Great, another thing I have to think about... gettin a fuckin' license). I just downloaded the "make damn sure" vid from limewire. That's the second thing I put in my vid ipod! SWEET! The first was, of curse, My Chemical Romance's "Helena", I love that video. Music's the only thing I look foreward to in life.

I bought 3 new CDs to go into my Ipod. Thursday~ Full Collapse, Gatsby's American Dream~ Volcano and Punchline~action. Thursday, i've loved for a long time, I have War All The Time, but because of money shortages I haven't been able to get the previous one. I'm so stoked for a City Divided by Light! Punchline and GAD were bands I heard about in AP and decided to try. I can't wait to go by more music this weekend. I'm going to be begging dad for rides for like the rest of the year.


Oodles, SeventeenKisses
So yesterday was my birthday party. Only Sarah showed up but it ended up being so amazing. I should throw one person parties more often! We hung out with her friend Tim (so it wasn't really one person) until like one in the morning. I'm suprisingly not upset because I already expect people to let me down so i'm not hurt anymore. Lately it seems like Sarah is the one i'm closest to even though I see her the least. She's the one I tell the most to and the one that I act most real around. I think it's because she's the least pretencious and of all my friends, we're the most alike.
Oh! and my parent's bought me a brand new, 30GB video Ipod! As far as parents go, they're not as bad as some others. I mean, They're still together and they're not unreasonably unfair most of the time. True, they could be more accepting but beggers can't be choosers.
Right now, i'm getting ready (or supposed to be getting ready) to go to the mall. We're going back to the ipod store for some reason (I don't remeber why), Then we're ging to journeys so I van pick up some new sneakers (my first pair of vans!). I want to go to Best Buy and go CD shopping to but I almost want to wait so I can get the new Taking Back Sunday CD on Tues (well for me friday, because that's when I go shopping).
I'm so excitied about all the new music coming out!

Apr. 25: Taking Back Sunday
May 2nd: Thursday
June 6: AFI

Awesome! I can't wait for My Chemical Romance's new CD. Even though they went in the studio like a month ago, chuckles. So yeah I should really get ready, like now.

Oodles, SeventeenKisses
WooT! almost party time and I am all prettyful and happy. I even have Fall Out Boy to set the "mood". anyway, from now on if you see any posts without an "o" and there should be, ignore. My "o" button is being difficult for some reason.

oodles, SeventeenKisses

PS: i'm really hungary and I did take the dog for a walk!
Today is my birthday party! I have to clean the downstairs (ick) but whatever. It's weird because when I'm home on break or over the weekend, I don't really hang out with anyone, except online. Not even my close friends that I trust. I should really become less anti-social, go out and see the world or something but humans are so confusing an hurtful sometimes. I make an average of one new friend every like two years. I think I have social anxiety disorder in some form or another. I guess that's why I prefer Live Journal to actual physical contact. Woo! Go miserable introverted fat kids!
Currently i'm watching The View, I only get to watch it when i'm off because it comes on at 11:00 and by that time i'm going to lunch or something (school timings are ridiculous). Anyway, they're talking about the "dangers" of myspace (I guess that doesn't include those of us on LJ!). I swear, everyone's obsessed with that. I think those kids who do dumb things online also do dumb things in real life. Whatever.

I also want to walk the dog at some point today. I didn't get to yesterday but I want to today, I need excercise badly. I'll never get skinny at this rate. I did pretty wel at breakfest, I made frozen waffles with sugar-free syrup. Basically today is all about getting ready for the party. The other reason I'm not social is because I'm so fucking self-concious. I have to spend an hour on my hair and another on my skin (both of which are equally bad, thank god I have a hair appointment on sunday before I go back to school). Once my hair was so pretty (thugh it's always be difficult) then I wanted a perm and it all fell out! Stupid chemcials and my hairdresser at the time, I guess didn't have a real good idea what she was doing. Now, it's damaged and full of split ends. Ideally, I'd like pin straight shiny hair that fell to my waist, like in the commercials. Prehaps I'm naive for believing in perfection even though the evidence clearly suggests otherwise. I'm one of those people wh believe that if I only work alittle harder I can make things perfect. I guess, I go out in the world and try to hld everything together and come here to my journal to be the trully screwed up person I am.

If I sat here and thought about all the things I don't like abut myself, I'd be here for years.
Let's see I don't like my big nose, big ears, Frizzy/weak hair, oily/pimply skin, my height (5'3), my weight most of all (153lbs-EWWWW). I don't even like my feet! I should go on extreme makeover.

Well, chao, babes! It's prettyfication time! See ya!

color the coast with your smile...

I just turned 17 two days ago. My friend form flordia, Danielle, called me to wish me happy birthday! Isn't that sweet? It's so hard to believe that in another year i'll be 18- a legal adult- but i don't feel like an adult. I feel like a little kid still. When Danielle called it reminded me of how much time has passed. Where does it all go? Sometimes I look forewarded to growing up, I can finally mve away and make my own decisions but then other times I just want to run and hide, bury myself under the sheets. What if I can't make it out there? what if I can? Fear of the future is the same of fear of the unknown.

Right now, it's spring break and i'm chillin' around my house. I never go anywhere for spring break, maybe spend some time with the buds. My dog is laying at my feet. I should post a picture of her smetime.She's a briddle boxer with big floppy ears (we didn't get them cropped because that's stupid), She's the most adorable thing! I should take her for a walk today. I need the excerscise more then she does.

One thing I hate about birthdays is that it reminds me of how FAT I am and that i've been that way for years. Ick! I know I have to get my weight together before I go to college (even though I won't be going to college until the fall of 2007) and I don't want to be a fat senior. I hope veganism can help me with this...Sigh. My goal weight is 90lbs.

My Chemical Romance!

"Being a teenager in America at the dawn of the 21st century is-

as it always is-to be confused, to be supercharged, to be

disenfranchised, to be desperate for something. It is also, as

always, about being in love with love, and obsessed with

finding it buried within each and every minute."

- Andy Greenwald, Nothing Feels Good: Teenagers, Punk Rock and Emo

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